Sometimes I suddenly feel a weird desire - a fervent and pressing one - to speak English; so powerful that I simply cannot resist it; and hence there is no one to talk to, I just talk to myself... Somehow, it is just easier to use a foreign language to talk about some complicated issues, vague moral dilemmas or, so to say, things that are difficult to be spoken about aloud...
Stupid thoughts
And when the dying sun is casting its farewell light through the dusty window or the imprudent moon is peering into the room filled with ruined visions, I face this - they call it depression, but I know it's just the steel wall inside collapsing and the bitter feelings suppressed for so long are trying to reveal themselves; luckily there is no one here to see the weakness which should not exist, since no one is willing to hear the worthless moans of despair that everyone hides and refuses to admit the ultimate fate of every human being - solitude and abandoned dreams, freedom that was once sought is thrown aside as the ruthless 'real world' cowardly crushes the castles of the kingdom of hopes, putting on the chains of everyday reality... You are trying to believe that this mere surviving is all that we are born for; but once again you fail, stupidly hoping there is something more, apart from earning the living, finding the secure place to live in, fulfilling duties and obligations that everybody owes to the numerous relatives, friends, acquaintances, colleagues etc. Searching for the home that always welcomes lonely strangers, the eternal beauty and truth, the loyalty and honesty, you do not wish to give up until their non-existence is utterly proved…
Over and over again, you are ashamed to whimper like a pathetic teenager – adults are supposed to get used to endure this pressure, to be strong enough to bear this burden of everyday troubles, to face these obstacles, to wear the mask of a successful self. But you are hiding the fear of the face that you see in the mirror - to lose the things that once were the most precious, that are now abandoned; to send to hell that poison that was once running through your veins, the wave of desire to change the world, to be sincere and get what you want; you are hiding the pain without letting know the agony that is burning you from inside – this is too stupid to complain, to fight against the rules that were set before you were born…